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Stop Walking on Eggshells with your BPD Partner

Written by Rhonda Wasserman

Original content by Ashley Berges

July 15, 2024

What happens when we have codependent tendencies in an unhealthy relationship? It may feel like you are walking on eggshells with your BPD partner.

Having codependent tendencies is the opposite of having narcissistic tendencies.  A narcissist is self-centered, self-directed, and doing what they want. However, the person with codependent tendencies does whatever the other person wants. They acquiesce when they do not need to, acquiescing to keep the peace, and doing what is asked of them. As this is happening things begin to change. The person who has codependent tendencies begins to lose their identity to keep the other person calm, peaceful, quiet, and non-argumentative. 

It may feel as though you are walking on eggshells. You worry about everything you say and do not upset your partner. It feels as though you have to do the straight and narrow in hopes that tomorrow will be better. You do not know what you are walking into. You could walk into someone in a very good mood but that good mood can change in an hour. At this point you have learned how to do a tap dance around the situation. You are always trying to figure out what you can do and what you need to do to get them to be happy with you. 

When we have codependent tendencies, we forget that we can’t make someone else happy. We cannot make someone calm down. We cannot make someone choose not to drink or even be violent. It is a misconception of codependency. They believe that if they act a certain way the person will be calm for that day, or be in a better mood. It is a misleading thought process that we can change the other person. 

We need to understand and ask ourselves, how often are we looking at ourselves and saying, “If I just do this, maybe this will change that.” As a codependent we are unaware of how long this has been going on, most likely it started before this person ever came into our lives.

The BPD partner has been doing this with every person in their life. This is their MO, the way operate. If they are in charge of their own lives and have to do things for themselves, then this is not good. 

They do not want to see their reality. They want to have the victim reality that they can hold on to. If they can have this, then they do not have to step up and do what they need to do in life. It allows the BPD partner to do whatever they want to and blame the codependent. Remember a codependent is easy to blame because they own the blame immediately.

The codependent believes that if it was not for some reason, the partner would have had what they wanted. The codependent creates the reality that they have co-created the problem because the person with BPD makes it very clear that you did. 

Taking a step back and analyzing the situation. The best thing you can do is turn it around. What if you were saying this to them, would that be ok? What if you were blaming them for your problems, would that be ok as well as realistic? To see the truth in life, we must take what the other person doing, flip the script, and put ourselves in that position.

We then need to ask ourselves if this is acceptable, and if is it true. As a codependent, we need to step back and ask ourselves, can we change anybody’s happiness? We can do nice things for people, but do we have the ability to change their emotional state? 

It is important to be honest with ourselves, taking out the narcissism because it is not just what we can and cannot do. If we identify our codependent tendencies and the false realities that we have accepted, even when we have done nothing, we have to realize that we do not have to accept the blame.

We have to allow other people to make changes in their life, and see their truth when it can be challenging to see. We do not have to accept the blame and make changes. The BPD partner is going to have to do something to support their life. If they are not willing to do this, we have to make changes to our lives to move on out of the situation. 

 

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